Anger. It ebbs and flows. Pokes its feisty head in just the inopportune time. Always lurking, always just below the surface.
I think I have peace with myself and others. I believe I’ve worked through conflict and am not adverse to difficult conversations. But every now and then, the wind blows just right and I lose it. Someone cuts me off in traffic, shares a genuine criticism of me, or looks at with just the wrong glance and I’m undone.
So where does it come from? How is it so repressed? Why is it just below the surface for days, weeks, or months, and only surfaces when it so chooses?
During a season of trauma and recovery from such, I learned a lot of about the mind body connection. I received treatment from a crano-sacrial therapist (look it up, very fascinating) and did yoga multiple times a week. A friend who had experienced similar trauma years prior suggested that I keep my body moving, keep the juices flowing, and keep my heart connected to the physical movements of my body.
During this process I learned that we hold emotions in our hips. Who would of thought?! I’m always mindful when stretching my legs, hips, and thighs of what might come to the surface.
This past week I joined a gym for the first time in over two years. Not only did I not belong to a gym for over two years, but I also haven’t worked out in over two years. I did have two separate, one week energized stents where I worked out daily with a friend. That was cute while it lasted.
During this new venture of joining a gym and actually using it, I’ve seen a lot of anger become uncovered. I was in a cycling class (hello hips!) this morning and a song came on that was slightly offensive to the sexuality of a woman. I immediately became OVERWHELMED with anger. I started to cry and bit my lip to hold my the feels.
What’s interesting is that I had felt this underlying anger rearing up for the past few days, but unable to pinpoint where it was coming from and what I was actually angry at, so I continued to repress it.
It wasn’t until today during my cycling class that it all surfaced. Although I still can’t describe the direct source of the strong feelings, I can tell you this- it’s anger. So while my body might not be capable of sharing its feelings with me, it can tell me they are there and they need to be paid attention to.
So where do I go from here? Today, I sit and acknowledge the feels. I reflect at the anger. I ask questions of where it might be coming from. I dig deep into who, where, and what I might be resenting.
Isn’t it incredible what our bodies are made for? They hold it all, even when our hearts can’t bear it anymore, our bodies store it for later processing. Today I’m thankful that I can peel back the layers of my anger in a slow, steady process thats on my pace and thankfully my body will be there to hold the rest.